The life of random bandit n.5914

I wasn't always like this. A bandit, I mean. One isn't exactly born a bandit, right? You see, I was born the son of a poor farmer family. Times were harsh, but I guess that it wasn't all that bad. I mean, I had a
home, and a caring family. What more could I need?

Well, we lived in a small shack near the village. It wasn't much of a shack. The wooden boards creaked, a when it rained the rain would leek
in through a dozen holes in the ceiling, making it near impossible to sleep. And during winter, the wind would blow right in through the creaks, and we'd have to huddle closely around the fireplace to keep warm. Still,
it was a home.

Everyday we'd go through the same ol' routine. We men would get up at
dawn as the rooster crows, and we'd go downstairs where the girls would have already prepared breakfast. When times were good, we had some eggs, some toast and a jar of milk. When times were harsh, we'd settle for hard, dried bread and water. Then we would work in the fields until the sun
was high in the sky, before settling down for lunch, in a shaded area preferably, whenever possible. After that we would get back to work,
till the sun meets the horizon, then we would go home for dinner. That was
when I was still very young.

Once there was this huge storm, and the roof caved in, and Pops was trapped underneath. We managed to get him out with some help, but he couldn't move for a whole months. During that time, Mama and the girls
had to work in the fields as well. It was a hard time, it was. The hardest time however, was this especially harsh winter. Lil' Mary caught the
fever then. Poor lil' sis, she was tossing and turning all night. And the next day, she didn't wake up. Mama told me she was sleeping. I was too young
to understand, and too hungry and cold as well. I must have been six then.

Of course, things weren't always all that bad. There were also the good times. I'd hang out with the other boys by the swamp, then we'd catch frogs and get all dirty. Then our Mamas would scream at us and we'd get
a spanking. And there were those pranks we'd used to play on the villagers. Once I got caught, had a spanking, and was grounded for two whole weeks. It was worth it, though, the look on the face of mean'ol miss Grouch
when she found that frog in her hair.

When I was 13, dad sent me to school. I was a big boy then, and Dad had saved enough money so I could have a basic education. He wanted a good life for me, he said, and I was very proud of being able to go as well.
It was hard, though, all the kids there were younger than me, and they where constantly mocking me. Damn well-off kids, I bet them snobs never worked
a single day in their life. They kept calling me names, saying that I was
a brute, and that I didn't belong there. I showed them though, and they never bothered me since. Damn well-off kids.

I continued to help my parents during the weekend. I was a big boy, and
I could work, unlike those scrawny little rich kids who start bawling for their Mama every time they had the slightest little cut. And I stayed
in touch with my old friends. They understood me. And Rick, my good pal,
who had also come to school, would also be there at my side. Together we
were invincible. None of those well-off kids would dare mess with us.

Then one day, things suddenly got bad. Very bad. There was this drought that year, and the crops weren't growing well. Then the landlord, that
fat and greasy, well-off, good-for-nothing rich guy who lived off the hard work of other people, he showed up one day and demanded we pay some new taxes for his land. No doubt to throw one of his other parties with our hard-earned money. When we told him that we had no means to pay him,
he confiscated our land and left us with barely enough money to survive.
It was a terrible day, Mama was crying, but Pops just stood there with his hands clenched, saying nothing. His hands were turning white. Then he
led us away. I hate those rich people, they have no rights to do this to
us. It was then that I realized how unfair things were.

Things went on decaying since then... I had to stop going to school.
We couldn't afford it anymore, and I couldn't stand those little well-off snobs anyway. Rick and I kept in touch. He had known the same sorry fate as I had. Mama and the girls had taken jobs as waitresses or the likes, and Pops and us other boys got a job in the mines. It was a hard job,
and I missed working outside in the fields, even if it was harsh. One day
Pops had an accident, and he couldn't work anymore. He started drinking. From that day forth, he changed. He was always in a bad mood, and he started hitting Mama and us as well. Mama tried to remain cheerful, for us, but
we could tell how hard it is on her. All this because of that fat rich guy.

We thought that things couldn't get worse, but they did. All the other rich kids started teasing us more and more, and we couldn't stop them. They had no right, those well-off kids, they don't know what it's like
to fight for your survival. I wanted to show them, but Mama just smiled
and told me to just ignore them. Then they started saying things, such as
that my Mama was a whore, as were my sisters, and my Pops was a good-for-nothing cripple. Same was for Rick. At that point Rick and I
had had enough, and we went up to them and gave them a beating. Sent them
home crying. That would have showed them. I knew we would be in trouble later, but I had had enough. We were strong kids, we didn��t need to listen
to those scrawny kids just because they had richer parents.

That night, when I went home, I heard my Mama crying. Pops beat her again. All because those rich people had nothing better to do than pick on us.
It made me sick to think that right now, all those well-off people would
be in their homes, oblivious to the misery around them, and even enjoying pointing out how badly-off we were while they go on with their perfect little life.

I decided then, I was to run away from home. Rick came with me, and we both headed off into the woods. Unfortunately, we both knew little about surviving in the woods, and at one point we thought all was hopeless.
It was then that they found us. People like us who found it unfair that
some people were better off than others, who like us were social outcasts,
but who instead of sitting around actually did something about it. It was
then that we made up our minds. We would be like them, and we would never
have to listen to others again. We became bandits.

Many imagined the life of bandits as living like brutes, in some hidden cave, where we would drink large quantities of beer, eat greasy foods
and basically act like pigs. Well, they were right. And I loved every minute of it. It feels good, you know. You didn't have to answer to nobody,
and it was just you and the guys.

Sure, sometimes I felt some guilt at attacking the travelers and all,
but it was either them or us. And what is it some guy once said, survival
of the fittest, right? So that's what we were doing. And if other people
had problems about it, well, they didn��t suffer for long anyway. Besides, most of the people we attacked were those rich fat merchants who don't know any better than to live off other people. There were also, of course, the occasional traveler. Bah, that was the price they paid for crossing our territory. Cause that's what it was, our territory. Ours. Not the
land owned by some rich landlord who'd never even lived there, but the place where we ourselves lived and had claimed. You didn't get around by being weak, you know, and we certainly weren't that.

Mind you, it wasn't always an easy life. We didn't stay alive by doing nothing, far from it. Especially the first days you started your life
as a bandit. No, you had to work out, and train, to be as strong as you could. The other guys were harsh with Rick and I in the beginning, and at times it was quite humiliating. But in the end we managed. From then on, they were like family, and ho what fun we had.

Now Ol'Rockhead was our head bandit. Though he might seem very strict
and all, he was actually more of a Father to us. He trained us and looked after us. He cared for his boys, and we all listened to him. He had made us into quite an impressive group, much to be feared. We could count
on him, and he knew that he could count on us. Besides, betray that trust
and he knew how to make sure you regret the decision for the rest of your life. Which is to say, not for very long. Suffice to say that we all remained quite loyal.

There were all the other fellow-bandits as well. We'd drink beer at night, play cards, decide who had to go to the village to buy more provisions... Then there were the more bothersome tasks, such as cleaning. There's
a very simple solution to that: we simply didn't do it. Sure, it was bad
for the hygiene, but it was just like when we were young and reckless, and
hey we didn't mind. There were always the occasional slaves we catch who
could take care of these things for us, as well as other things. And if they didn't survive, bah. Survival of the fittest. In fact we didn't need
to think much about it then, so we didn't.

There were all the hard times, of course. Once this stupid bear suddenly attacked. Lost an eye there, but we paid it back in spades. Made good roast, too. And there was this demon attack once. Nearly didn't survive that one, but we eventually lost it. Lastly there was this royal expedition once, they had lots of gold with them. We ambushed them there, but they put up quite a fight. Even had a few damnable magic users among them. Some of the boys in the trees eventually got them by shooting them down in the back with arrows, but not before they took out some of our boys. Rick died there, along with many others, but we got our revenge.
We killed them all, and watched them burn. Nobody messed with us bandits
on our territory. We got quite a lot of loot, though, so their loss was
not in vain. And as Ol'Rockhead said, they died so that we may live, so that's what we were going to do. He put it in cruder terms, of course, he never did have a way with words. Not that it was important or anything.

You know, we didn't cut off all contact to the outside. Someone had to take care of the supplies, and this was usually determined by a card
game. Loser had to go. This way we more or less knew what was going on in the world, mostly those bad things we could laugh at. We also caught hold
of this new fairy tale that's been going around. It's about this sorceress, see, named Lina Inverse. Now she's supposed to be a ten-feet tall two hundred years-old demon, with twenty or so tentacles, who goes around eating children and destroying villages. She's supposed to be the enemy
of all that lives, and even dragons would run away from her in disgust.
Oh and she's supposed to be flat as a plank. None of us believed in such
a tall tale, of course, but it made for interesting stories around the
fire. Another description of this Lina Inverse is that she is a fourteen or
so years old kid who's poorly endowed and who just happened to have mastered some of the most powerful magic known to man. Yeah right, a scrawny little kid with big powers. That's even more unbelievable than the first version. That is until one day, we actually met her.

Of course, we didn't know it then. We had just spotted this little girl traveling on her own one day, wearing a mages outfit. Easy target. And
she didn't look too poor either. So we showed ourselves, and told her to
give us all her valuables if she wanted to survive. She just stood there and laughed, the arrogant little b****. Then she told us that if we gave
her all Our money, if We wanted to survive, of all the nerve! She said that she was Lina Inverse. Yeah, and I'm Shaburanigdo. We just laughed of course, and decided that if she didn't want to do it the easy way, then we'd have to do it the hard way. But then she muttered a few words under her breath, and before any of us had the time to react, she unleashed
a spell frying some of us, ��flare arrows�� I believe. That of course,
made us hesitate, but it also made us mad. That is, until one of us noticed something. Of all the legends surrounded this Lina Inverse, one fact always stood out: she was flat-chested. So, the girl in front of us might just be her! As he pointed this out though, she seemed to become very angry, and all I could remember was hearing ��Fireball�� before everything around us exploded and everything went white.

As we came to, we found out that the kid had taken all our valuables.
One of the boys, it seems, had been threatened beforehand into giving up
the location of our hideout. He only gave her the location of one of our temporary storage spaces, though. When we checked, sure enough, it was empty, but the bulk of our treasure was safely hidden in our hideout. Ol'Rockhead promised revenge, but I just hoped never to see this freak
of Nature again. They say that Lightning never strikes in the same place twice, so I guessed we were safe.

We were wrong. One day Ol'Rockhead turned up with this sorceress babe
with a black bikini, claiming to be Lina Inverse��s greatest rival. Naga the white snake, or something like that, I hardly remember. Actually, from what we've heard, she was more frequently called the Goldfish-feces or something. Heh. Anyway, she was quite good-looking, unlike that Lina Inverse, and she sure knew how to hold her liquor. She would have made quite a bandit, too. Unfortunately, she had this laugh. Ugh. I'd never forget that laugh. It was a bitchy sort of laugh, the sort that would
have left your head spinning for days. However, she was a magic-user, and
we'd already seen what those could do, so we let her join us. It's not like
we could have anything to lose by that. And if this Lina person showed up again, well, let's see her take all of us And this Naga person. Anyway, a few days after that, we found this Lina Inverse again. We didn��t recognize her at first, we just ambushed her like we would any other traveler. Then we recognized her. This time, though, we were more confident. After all, we had a magic-user on our side, so we proudly proclaimed that it was her time to die. However, she just laughed! She
let out a few taunts to this Naga, asking her what she was doing with the likes of us. Well! Like hanging out with a person like her was any better! Naga just laughed again (my head pains just to remember that laugh) and remarked that she was stronger and more beautiful than her before ��Lina�� sent a ball of fire in her direction. It burnt her, though she still seemed in mesure to fight. At that moment though, that b**** turned on
us, saying that we weren't worthy to stay with. She turned on us because
she was afraid of that little witch, that coward! At this point things weren��t going so well. Between the arrows of fire and ice being thrown around, we were losing our numbers fast. We had to think of something.
One of the boys remembered how sensible this Lina Inverse was when it came
to the size of her chest, and decided to use this to our advantage. He called out to her saying how flat her chest was, and for a moment it seemed
to work. The sorceress just stood there with her fists clenched, seeming
very angry and muttering under her breath. The rest of us joined in the taunts, thinking that we could finally beat her this way. That was until we noticed that the traitor Naga was fleeing, we didn't know why. Then we heard Lina Inverse speaking out louder. It seemed as though she was pledging herself to evil. It was then that she looked up, and we could clearly see the rage in her crimson eyes, and she shouted one single spell. There was a huge explosion as crimson fire was unleashed, and
I could only remember the intense pain in my whole body as everything around me turned the color of blood, then black...

When we came to, we were in the center of a huge crater. All of us could feel intense pain. Many of us were tied up, though some of the boys managed to free themselves and started freeing the others. It was then that we saw Ol'Rockhead. He was sitting there cradling himself in a heap and crying like a baby. He had peed in his pants. We went to him and
asked him what the matter was. I still remember his response. It's there hidden by the trees, in a cave. Please don't kill me, please don't kill me.
I promise I'll be good. He had given away the location of our hideout.
The laughing b**** must have told her companion that we had a hideout, and Lina Inverse had threatened Ol'Rockhead into giving away the exact location.

Ol'Rockhead was never the same since. The man who once stood so proud,
who was like a father to us, who gave us his best and his worst, was now reduced to a crying heap. Eventually we led him back into our now empty and devastated lair. Of course, we all stayed by him for a while, hoping that one day he'd recover. But he never did. Then one day he announced, much to our shock, that he was going back home to his wife. The man we
so admired, the one who in our hearts represented freedom, he was resigned
to go back to a life of enslavement. Indeed, he was a broken man. No human could have done this.

Some say Lina Inverse is possessed by a demon. Some say she's not even human. Some even say that she's just a girl with very high magical capacities. Well let me tell you. Once you��ve seen her, there's no mistaking it. Even if she hides in the guise of a human girl. When you
see the destruction she can cause... and those eyes, the color of blood.
Well let me tell you. She's far worse than what the legends say. She is pure evil. It's as simple as that. A spawn of Shaburanigdo himself, or even worse. And if you're not careful, she will destroy you. Remember that.

After Ol'Rockhead left, there was nothing to keep the gang together,
so we eventually disbanded. Some went on to form their own gangs, and there
was fighting over who should be the leader. Some decided that life as a bandit was not safe if that she-demon was on the loose, and went on to live
a normal life. As for I, I couldn't stand the horrible memories that this place brought back. So I left. As far away as possible. Anywhere but
where that demon was or had been, far far away...

Eventually I joined another group of bandits. There's nothing else I
can really do know. Once a bandit, always a bandit I guess, except for poor Ol'Rockhead... Even now, it hurts to think about it. Anyway, years passed, and the Dramatta didn't show up again. That's what they call her: something even a dragon would avoid. Smart beasts. Eventually, I slowly pushed back the terror of that past encounter. Cause that's what it was: traumatizing. And then, slowly, my soul started to heal. Unfortunately, Fate was not that kind.

We still heard about her, of course. Every now and then you'd receive
news of another bandit gang ruthlessly taken down by the evil witch. May Ceiphied bless their poor souls. We were just lucky that it wasn't us.
One day one of our boys came back with a wanted ad. Yes, that was her, along with two people I didn't know. Mmh, she must have ditched the b**** with the annoying laugh. According to the poster, they had killed Rezo the
Red priest, of all the crimes... Not long after, we heard the city of Sairaag was utterly destroyed. Lina Inverse was there. My companions were completely dumbfounded, but I wasn't. I had seen what she could do, and
I had not doubts that this was indeed her doing.

Lina Inverse is evil. She is a menace to both bandits and innocent people. She destroys ruthlessly, just for the fun of it. We bandits at least
fight for our survival, because we do not have the choice, but She. Or rather, It, because it can't possibly human. We still referred to it as a she, though we knew better. The damage she did was a hundred times worse than what we did. And from the number of bandit gangs she had looted, we could tell that she wasn't poor, so she did it just for the sake of torturing us. Evil...

We had hoped never to meet her, or in my case, to meet her again. As
I said, Fate wasn't that kind. Not too long after the destruction of Sairaag, we spotted a group of four, no five travelers. The loot hadn't been very good those past few weeks, so we didn't even bother checking
who they were. As far as we were concerned, they were just more money for
us. It was a bad move. By the time I had recognized Her, it was already too late. I tried to warn the other ones, but they made the first move.

The first thing that happened was this: a young girl, who couldn't have been older than Lina when I first met her (but appearances can be deceiving), well, she climbed on top of a rock and started making a speech. She claimed to be the princess of Saillune and an ally of Justice, and that she was going to defeat us in the name of Justice. Yeah right, who do you think you're fooling, traveling around with Lina Inverse.
Even so, we could tell you this: there was no Justice in the world. I could personally testify to that. In fact, I was right, it was just a ploy.

While we were distracted, the other three, Lina Inverse and two men suddenly attacked. One of the men was a blond swordsman. But what a swordsman! He was amazingly good. I recognized him, he was on the wanted ad, among those who had killed the Red Priest. So the other one must
be... He was wearing a hood, making it hard to see. Then the wind blew it back revealing... It was a horrible sight. Blue stony skin with wiry hair,
the whole with a humanoid form but moving far too fast to be human. It was
a demon. Lina Inverse was traveling with demons. Meanwhile, the younger
girl had started to attack as well. Damn, were they all magic users?

However, among the fray, I found out that one of them wasn't fighting.
He was just sitting there, on top of a tree, doing nothing but with a big smile on his face. A priest. What was a priest doing with such a group? How could a holy man bear to travel in the face of such evil, and not
do anything in the face of such carnage? Why was he smiling? One thing strange, though, was that his eyes were closed. What did he try to hide, or did he just think that all this wasn't worth looking at? I called
out to him: what sort of a priest was he? And I even threw a rock in his direction. The rock shattered on some invisible shield, and he just yawned and opened one eye lazily, then closed it again and went back to resting, smiling that damned smile of his. At that moment my blood had frozen
in my veins. I felt pure terror in my whole system. I had only heard of them
in stories, but never met one. Those eyes, those cold amethyst shards, they weren't human. They were those of a Mazoku. And according to the legends, one never survived the encounter of a Mazoku.

I ran. As fast as my legs would carry me. Most of my companions were already on the run, from a group that couldn't possibly be human. And
led by her, Lina Inverse, someone even a Mazoku would follow.

I escaped. I was lucky, many of my companions weren't. I was sure of
it now: Lina Inverse is the one greatest evil this world had to fear. There would be no peace for me as long as she lived. When I think of my fallen companions, Ol'Rockhead... Yes, I have decided. I shall do all in my
power to get rid of this greater menace.

We spotted her again today. She is in an inn, eating, and unsuspecting. Good. She doesn't know we're here. Soon, my companions and I will face
her in a final showdown. Then the world will be finally rid of this menace. Even if it costs us our lives.

Soon...

--------------------------

Vale: ^_^;;; I can't believe I actually wrote this. Oh well. The idea just came to me one night.

Lina: Ugh, it's you again. I was hoping you were gone for good.

Vale: -_- Well Sorry. I'm back.

Lina: Humph. I can see that. And I'd like to ask you a question. What
the HELL where you thinking when you wrote THIS!?!?!?

Random bandit: DIE LINA INVERSE!!!

Lina: fireball. -_-

Random bandit: <dead>

Zel: Mmh, I don��t think he meant him. I wonder what his story was.

Lina: <ignores him>

Vale: Uhh, well, I just thought I'd show the more human side of the bandits, you know... Nobody ever thinks about them, so... It's not like
I did anything bad. ^^;

Lina: BAD??? You made Me look even Worse than a Bandit! A ��ten-feet
tall two hundred years-old demon, with twenty or so tentacles, who goes around eating children and destroying villages��??? Oh by the way. They're not Supposed to have a human side. That's a whole Point. There's a Reason
why authors never write about bandits. It's because You're Not Supposed To!!! Gah!

Gourry: Well, she's right about the flat-chested part.

Lina: Fireball!

Gourry: Ow...

Zel: But Lina has a point. You do tend to write a lot of fics about insignificant side characters, like when you wrote your Dragon Tales. Shouldn't you be finishing those?

Vale: I'm working on those! Really! Those anybody remember them anyway? I've been busy! Sorry.

Zel: Yeah right.

Vale: Really! And, um, as for the why...

Voice in the Head 1: Perhaps you have an unconscious need to do something different...

VitH 2: ...stemming from your innate need to prove your individuality

VitH 3: ...and bordering on the edge of ridiculous.

Minna minus me: ???????

Vale: -_-;;;

Zel: I'm afraid to ask, but what were those?

Vale: They are my voices of reason. They are in someway the manifestations of my inner conflict. -_-

VitH 1,2&3: Hear hear.

Minna: O_o;;

Zel: ... I need some coffee.

Vale: Oh, by the way, here's an interesting bit: Want to know why I called this bandit n.5914?

Lina: Humph. Because it��s a random number?

Vale: ^^;; I was planning on using a random number at first, but I remembered something my mother told me about auspicious and inauspicious numbers in Chinese, because they sound like certain sentences. 5914 in Chinese sounds like ��I gonna die��. Neat, ne?

Lina: show-off.

Vale: ;_;

Amelia: Oh, this fic is so sad. I WILL NOT LET SUCH AN INJUSTICE HAPPEN AGAIN. I, AMELIA WIL TESLA SAILLUNE, SWEAR TO MAKE THE LIVES OF ALL PEOPLE BETTER, SO THAT THEY WOULDN'T BE FORCED INTO BECOMING BANDITS IN ORDER
TO SURVIVE. BLAH BLAH BLAH. JUSTICE!...

Lina: Now you've done it. A brand new set of justice speeches. Yeesh.

Vale: Oh no, anything but that. Amelia, A-meeee-lia! Look into my eyes. You are getting sleeeeepy, your eyelids are becoming heeaaaavy,...

Amelia: Err, Miss Valerie, what are you doing ?_?

Lina: Hate to agree with her, but what Are you doing?

Vale: Shh! I'm concentrating here! I may only be half-vampire, but the full-bloods can hypnotize people, so I'm making Amelia forget she'd ever read the fic so that she wouldn't bothering us with a brand new set of Justice speeches. Sleeeeepy!

Lina: Oh! Let me help! SLEEPING!

Amelia: zzzz...

Vale: Err, thanks. Now Ameeelia, yooouuu haavve neeeveeer read this fiiicc!

Amelia: zzz... never read fic...

Vale: Gooooood.

Lina: Hey let me try! Amelia, no more Justice speeches!

Amelia: ... more Justice speeches...

Lina: -_-;;;; No! No more justice speeches!

Amelia: ... more Justice speeches...

Lina: I give up.

Zel: Say, was this fic supposed to be sad?

Vale: Err... I thought it was kinda funny! ^_^;;

Minna: <SWEATDROP>

Vale: Err, this afterwords is getting long. C&C anyone? Please? Pretty please?

<a lone tumbleweed slowly, er, tumbles across the room>

Vale: <all alone> Pretty please?

...

<the wind silently blows> Whoooooohhhhh